Hold it even if it hurts at first
So, it’s been a while. In the past few months, I’ve taken a much needed break from essay writing to devote myself to poetry, rest, and therapy, which I started up again (seriously) in December.
Two things I want to share with you: Firstly, some things deserve to stay hidden. I haven’t shared any writing publicly since February, and I’ve noticed that it feels damn good. I’m still writing, yes, but I haven’t pressured myself to come out with new things every month, every week, every day. I don’t have to produce an essay from my last breakdown/breakthrough. I don’t have to translate revolutionary theory into poetry. I can just — be. And it’s been so lovely.
If you’re a creative, you should try it sometime. We often feel that once we recognize our talent and passion for a craft, it’s time to churn out art at regular, profitable intervals. Yes, it’s hard to make a living off of this work. And yes, practice hones our craft. But let’s keep the soul in the work, shall we?
It’s an extension of not pouring from an empty cup; we need to let the experiences, the emotions, the learnings, marinate before cooking up that delicious batch of words. Let them marinate! It is so freeing to be able to do that, to know the power in our art is the intention with which we create it with.
The second thing I want to share with you: I’m about to take a week away from the city to rest and marinate by the ocean, and I am not ashamed at all. If you’re wondering why I needed to confess my lack of shame, it’s new for me, this type of freedom. For most of my life, I couldn’t share good experiences out of fear and shame, which is a long story but can be summed up to a flavor of generational trauma called privilege guilt (it’s survivor guilt's annoying cousin) and plain old loneliness.
Now, I’m proud of where I am. It takes guts to live this way, to dare to take the joy and be thankful rather than keep my head to the ground.
In anarchist theory, freedom is defined as both “freedom from” and “freedom to.” Freedom from oppression is only one part of freedom. To be truly free, one must have the very real possibility to do and to be according to their own will. Developing patterns of thought that are liberated from generational trauma is just as important as struggling against the hierarchical hegemony. In other words, freedom to enjoy life’s pleasures, freedom to pursue creative work, these are important liberties that everyone deserves.
My freedom from shame is a freedom to create, a freedom to accept pleasure. It is true that as activists, we need more than just the struggle; we need a full, beautiful life to fight for.
‘Til next time,
maria